The Summer of Yes!

By Abby Hurley, Psy.D.

Recently my daughter and I were having a conversation about all the summer options.  Dance camp, art camp, flag football, swimming, vacations, trips to the library, hiking, the list grew and grew and grew until her eyes were bug-eyed with excitement at all the potential and I was bug-eyed with overwhelm at the logistical monster we had just created.  This was the moment when we decided what we needed was a summer of yes.

What, you may ask, is this?

I’ve seen several social media posts lately speaking to something I know I’ve felt, maybe you can relate.  “How is it the end of June already?!”  I need ideas for what to do with my kids?  “I want this summer to feel special, what should I be doing?”

The acute awareness (post covid) of how precious opportunities to travel, see friends, and explore really is still holds space in our minds and leaves us with opportunity to be intentional with our time and choices.  It is indeed a summer for saying YES!  The question, of course, is how do we go about doing that?

Harvard Commencement Speech

Awhile back I was introduced to a classic object lesson given to me as a speech said to have been shared at a Harvard commencement many years ago.  So the story goes, In the speech a large clear vase was brought out before students and filled with beautiful, large rocks.  When asked if the vase was full students wisely answered “no,” noting the space left between.  The speaker responded by pouring in stones, followed by pebbles.  Full yet? “no” they answered.  “Correct,” he said as he proceeded to add sand, and finally water. With beads of water dancing along the brim of the vase our speaker looked up from his task and stated, “now, it is full.”  The moral of the story? As you choose how to fill your time, always begin with the rocks. 

Choosing your rocks

The first step to the summer of yes is to choose your rocks.  This is where we don’t settle.  There is so much that we cannot control for a summer day.  Will it rain? Will our children decide they needed the purple plate and refuse to eat leaving you with hangry toddlers at a splashpad? Will your friend choose differently leaving you without a partner for your planned event?  The question is not what will I try to make happen but rather, regardless of what this summer hands me, rain or shine, what do I want to be about?  Patience? Calm? Adventure? Commitment to family? In this choose your own adventure story the circumstances matter far less than the tenacity of the lead character (that’s’ you!) to go after the story they most want.

I am not trying to say that is easy.  But I will say is organizing.  Once those rocks are in the vase it gives you some wisdom to guide your yes.  Now, how do we go about choosing?  Given the vast expanse of rocks to choose from, you chose just a few.  Here are a few questions to guide you: 

Question 1: What are the areas of life most important to me right now? Parenting Romantic partnerships? Friends? Spirituality or Faith? Citizenship? Education? Recreation?

Question 2: Given what is important to me, when I imagine myself (or my family) engaging in these areas two months from now, what do I hope for more of?  If this is too big a question, try choosing from the words that stand out to you on this list!

As an example, let’s say its adventure and connection you choose.  You want these to be central pillars to your summer.  You’ve just chosen the rocks in your vase. 

Choosing your stones

Now its time for your small stones.  Take a look at the rocks you chose and identify what experiences will present you with the opportunity to grow in the intended direction you chose?

Specifically:

1.     What commitments are best to be honored and upheld this season?

2.     What summer rhythms will best provide you with the space to work, rest, and play as you spend your summer?

3.     What daily routines will keep you focused and in forward momentum even as the unexpected occurs?

What activities, experiences or commitments do you say yes to? For some it may mean an extravagant trip, while others it is taking a risk to express yourself differently in dress, or learn a new skill, or try a new food!  The decision to say yes to these diverse options is what gives opportunity for those intentions your rocks represent to flourish!

Choosing your sand

Sand represents the countless moments of choice we each experience in a day.  The invitations to respond to hardship and joy; connection and solitude.  The choice between staying in for rest and going out for novelty.  When faced with these moments where do you put your attention? These choices rarely provide a right v. wrong option, but poured out upon our stabilizing intention rocks and commitment stones these grains of sand represent countless opportunities to engage intentionally in a way that builds meaningful moments.

Notice: this week, how do you know you are at a point of choice? Can you feel the subtle sensation of conflict in your core or the indecisiveness of mind? Learn to slow down when this feeling shows up and pay attention.  This is your opportunity to rest your attention on your rocks and let them be your guide.

Choosing your water

What then is the water that flows in and around these stones and finally brings us to a place of fullness? I would like to suggest that the water is the spaces within which we live out these day to day choices.  Whether our work environment, faith community, family, social circle or conversation partners it is important to remember we don’t go about saying yes alone. 

Notice: who helps me find my wisdom and is willing to gently discern with me where to say yes?

Choosing what stays out

Of course, an essential part of any summer of yes is the boundary of no.  There will be beautiful stones that are best left on the table for another time.  Rocks others insist be stuffed in that must be refused and handed back to their rightful owner.  It is never too late to recognize some stones have snuck their way into your vase and need to be pulled out, its worth the discomfort.

Ask yourself:

 1.     What in the moment yeses have I been making to the detriment of my vase?

2.     What is needed to be willing to start saying no?

With these precious weeks of sunshine ahead of us I hope we will truly be able to look back and say it was a summer of yes!