Avoiding "Snowplow" Parenting: Fostering Independence in Your Children

Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation talks about how important it is to raise kids who are strong and independent. He says that "snowplow parenting," where parents clear every obstacle from their child's path, can actually hurt their development. Instead, he thinks parents should take a step back and let kids face challenges and learn from them, so they can handle the ups and downs of life.

Here's how to avoid snowplow parenting and raise more independent, resilient kids:

Understand the Risks of Overprotecting

The idea behind snowplow parenting is to clear a child's path, making sure they don't face any setbacks. This comes from a place of love, but it can have the opposite effect. Kids whose parents always jump in to help them learn that they aren't capable of handling things on their own. Even when a kid tries to deal with a social, academic, or emotional challenge, any parental involvement stops the kid from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.  With good intentions, parents can send the message that the child is incapable of managing the situation or deprive them from the experience necessary to become more independent in the future. Haidt explains that this style of parenting leads to kids who are less resilient, more anxious, and less confident in their abilities to cope with life's obstacles. Overprotected kids can develop a fear of failure, which can stunt their emotional growth and leave them unprepared for adulthood.

Allow Space for Failure

Failure is a part of life and one of life’s greatest teachers as it often is accompanied by strong emotions that help us learn life long sessions, especially when paired with a lesson.

One of the key strategies Haidt advocates is allowing children to fail in safe, manageable ways.  When children are shielded from failure, they miss out on the opportunity to develop problem-solving skills, emotional regulation, and the ability to rebound from setbacks.

By gently guiding children through failure, rather than preventing it, parents can help them build resilience. Haidt points out that when children face challenges on their own, they learn how to think critically, overcome adversity, and gain a sense of accomplishment when they succeed after struggling.

Encourage Decision-Making

One way to know if you've done a good job as a parent is whether your adult child takes responsibility for their actions. Kids raised by parents who made all their decisions for them can easily play the victim, blaming others for their problems.

In the snowplow parenting model, parents often make decisions for their children, from what extracurricular activities they should participate in to which career path they should pursue. Haidt encourages parents to give their children opportunities to make decisions on their own, even from a young age. When children are allowed to make decisions (with appropriate guidance), they learn to evaluate options, weigh consequences, and understand the importance of personal responsibility.  They are also more inclined to discover what uniquely interests them, rather than copying the interests and passions of others.

Parents can start by involving children in family decisions, like planning a weekend activity or choosing their own clothes. As children grow, parents can give them more control over significant decisions, such as managing their homework schedules or choosing what subjects to pursue in school.

Model Healthy Risk-Taking

Kids learn by watching their parents. If parents always avoid risk or refuse to face their own fears, kids might think that risks should always be avoided. But healthy risk-taking—whether it’s trying a new hobby, speaking up in a meeting, or addressing a conflict with a friend—teaches kids that risks are a normal and necessary part of growth.

Haidt encourages parents to model behaviors that involve calculated risks. Show children that it’s okay to step outside your comfort zone.  This can help children become more open to challenges and more willing to try new things, knowing that they won’t always succeed on the first attempt.

Foster Emotional Resilience

Part of fostering independence is teaching kids how to manage their emotions. When parents are overly protective, they often intervene when a child feels upset, frustrated, or anxious.  Kids who are exposed to a variety of emotions are more inclined to move through them rather than avoid them.  Parents can help by validating the child’s emotions, providing language to describe them, and teaching tools to effectively manage them.  While it’s natural to want to ease your child’s pain, Haidt argues that it’s crucial to allow children to experience these emotions and learn to manage them.

Children who are allowed to navigate and regulate their own emotions develop emotional resilience. They learn that difficult feelings, such as frustration, sadness, or disappointment, are temporary and manageable. This emotional toolkit will serve them well as they encounter the inevitable challenges of life.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

Instead of solving problems for your children, teach them how to solve them themselves. Haidt highlights that when parents take on every challenge for their children, they deprive them of the opportunity to develop crucial problem-solving skills. By stepping back and allowing children to face problems, you give them a chance to think creatively, assess solutions, and understand that there are often multiple ways to address a problem.

Parents can guide their children through the process by asking them questions like, “What do you think would happen if you tried this?” or “What could you do next?” These questions foster critical thinking and give children the tools they need to tackle future challenges independently.

Create a Safe Environment for Independence

To encourage greater independence, it’s important for parents to create an environment where children feel safe to take risks and make mistakes. Haidt suggests fostering an atmosphere of trust and support, where children know they can rely on their parents when needed but are also encouraged to take initiative.

This safe environment allows children to build confidence in their abilities while knowing that they can turn to their parents for guidance if necessary.

**Final Thoughts: **

Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation sheds light on the dangers of overprotecting children, urging parents to adopt a more balanced approach to parenting. By avoiding snowplow parenting and allowing children to navigate challenges, parents can help them develop greater independence, resilience, and emotional strength. In the long run, these skills will better prepare them for the uncertainties and challenges they will inevitably face as they grow older.

Ultimately, Haidt’s message is clear: Trust your children to handle challenges, and give them the space to learn, grow, and thrive on their own.

Chris Mazzarella, PsyD