by, Chris Mazzarella, PsyD

I’ve never been one to put too much faith in New Year's resolutions.  It all seems like a setup for disappointment and failure.  In fact, I dare say that making one of these might actually spell certain doom for whatever you set out to accomplish in the new year.  The tradition of falling short on your resolution is not your fault, and trying harder is certainly not the solution again this year.  Instead of trying harder, try “different”.  The concepts of self-compassion, celebrating the process, and values driven actions may help you sustain long term change toward greater wellbeing.   These empirically supported concepts guided by an ancient contemplative practice called “The Examen”  may just give you an effective alternative to the New Year’s Resolution.

More Kindness and Compassion/ Less Criticism and Shame 

Many of us have a relentless critic living rent free in our heads.  It’s a familiar voice which may feel like a “frenemy” as the voice is familiar like an old friend yet routinely pulls you down.  You may even be convinced this voice is helpful, shaming you into being a better person.  The courage to “try different” would be to acknowledge the critic, thank her for her service, and turn to a more helpful voice of self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is a radical way of relating to ourselves.  As you pause and reflect, please remember to be kind and compassionate with yourself.  Leading with curiosity and compassion provides you the resiliency you need to take an honest appraisal of your life,  learn from your mistakes, and confront some hard realities if needed.  Self-compassion doesn’t mean you are letting yourself off the hook for your ineffective or selfish behaviors, but gives you the same kindness and care that you would extend to a good friend.  I’m pretty confident you didn’t set out to be selfish and neglectful, so extend grace to yourself.  If you're like most people, you engage in self-defeating behavior out of distress and overwhelm, trying your best to alleviate pain in your life.  It’s also quite easy to punish yourself for the sins of others.  Your family of origin, relational disappointments, and traumas of many kinds influence how you see yourself and how you relate to others.  Please be sure to include a kind and compassionate posture as a part of your reflective exercise, such as imagining a loving person in your life looking at you with love and acceptance extending their arms to offer a hug.  You’ll put yourself in a better position to make the changes necessary to meet your goals. 

Celebrate Small Victories and Enjoy the Journey

Beware of the trap of evaluating yourself in 2023 and in your everyday life by only looking at outcomes.  The peak performance literature makes clear that focusing on process rather than outcome is more effective over time.  To go a step further, the way to supercharge your success is to make the joy of the journey your “abundance magnifier”, falling in love with the process over time.  An abundance magnifier is anything that deepens your experience of peace and happiness, which often comes when your brain produces more gamma waves resulting in greater concentration, receptivity, and your highest level of performance.  We can control our actions (effort, practicing the right things, etc.)  but we cannot have complete control over the outcome so continuous improvement comes with focusing on what we can control.  This is true at work, on the pickleball court, and in relationships, so be sure to celebrate any actions that move you closer to your goal and enjoy the journey.  Instead of hanging your sense of accomplishment on whether you lost those 15 pounds, celebrate that you added more leafy greens to your diet and all but eliminated late night snacking.  Sure, maybe you fell short of your goal but you’ve created a habit that will serve you well on the health journey.  Dialing in efforts over time will get you where you want to be.  Those who excel in anything find a way to enjoy the journey! 

Everyone Needs a Good Map

Any evaluation of progress must come with a sense of direction and values based actions.  Anyone who has enjoyed a Disney vacation knows the experience requires planning.  Heading to Orlando or Anaheim?  What time of the year are you traveling? Do you fly or drive?  How many days/nights are you planning to stay?  A successful vacation the whole family can enjoy requires a clear vision for the experience.  

Whether or not it’s a successful venture is also influenced by each family member’s values.  Dad may value saving money by shortening the trip while mom prioritizes securing reservations at exclusive character meals.  The kids may not care so much about multiple park days but to ensure they get to swim daily in the resort pool.  Values matter and will determine everyone’s sense of success.  As you evaluate how you are doing in life, be sure to clarify your values and whether your actions line up with your values to ensure success.    

Out with the “New”, in with the “Old”: The Examen 

Instead of New Year's resolutions, I’d like to propose using an ancient spiritual practice called The Examen as a guide toward health and wellbeing.  Rooted in the contemplative tradition of St. Ignatius of Loyola, this method offers a structured yet adaptable approach to self-reflection.  Originally created to be a Christian method of prayerful reflection designed to help individuals discern the presence of God in their daily lives, The Examen’s principles are universal, making it accessible to people of various faiths and beliefs.  While It can be adapted to be a guide for yearly reflection, the exercise is best practiced daily or when time allows to ensure greater wellbeing.    

The Examen involves five key steps:

1. Gratitude: Begin by expressing gratitude for the day’s experiences, both big and small.  Recognizing the positive aspects of your day sets the tone for a reflective and appreciative mindset.

2. Review: Slowly replay the events of your day, paying attention to the moments that stand out.  Identify both positive and challenging experiences, allowing them to unfold in your mind. 

3. Contrition: Acknowledge any shortcomings or mistakes without dwelling on guilt.  Instead, approach them with a spirit of humility and a desire for personal growth.  

4. Resolution: Look ahead and set intentions for the future.  Consider how you can respond more intentionally to challenges or make positive changes in your life.

5. Awareness of God (or higher power)’s Presence: Conclude the Examen by inviting a sense of divine presence into your reflections.  Recognize that God is with you in every moment, offering guidance and love.  

The Examen promotes mindful living, stress reduction, self-awareness, and resilience which go a long way toward making long term changes.  Whether you’re a busy professional, a parent, or a student, incorporating this reflective practice into your routine can be tailored to suit your unique circumstances.  

If you make a New Year’s resolution this year (and I won’t fault you if you do), be sure to include clear direction, values driven behavior, self compassion, enjoyment of the journey, and a daily practice of Examen to move toward greater health and wellness.