You may have heard the news that Punxatoauny Phil has seen his shadow meaning 6 more weeks of winter.  This is good news if you enjoy hibernating this time of the year with a series or two on Netflix to catch up on or a game to watch.  A warm fire, engaging book, and no particular place to go provides a welcome break from the frenetic pace of summer and fall.     

After you’ve soaked in some alone time or completed some overdue indoor projects, your thoughts may turn toward feeling lonely.  There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.  The former may be a rare and welcome experience.  Feeling lonely on the other hand is a dull ache in your heart where you long for connection, conversation, fun or affection but are left wanting.  Valentine's Day is a reminder of these needs, leaving many feeling even more unsatisfied or, worse, cynical and bitter.  

The Pandemic of Loneliness

The pandemic has only deepened feelings of loneliness.  Social media and the many ways we entertain ourselves inside our homes started the trend.  Social distancing, political tensions, and diminishing social skills have deepened it.  The need for meaningful connections cannot be over emphasized backed with plenty of research and personal experience that says health and wellness can’t be achieved in isolation.  While few would argue that investing time in relationships is important in life, finding the right balance between online and in-person connection is even more a question in a post-pandemic world. 

The Friendship Formula 

Dr. John Schafer, PhD refers to “The Friendship Formula” as a way to evaluate current relationships and nurture new ones.  The formula consists of four basic building blocks: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity.  These can be expressed using the mathematical formula Friendship = Proximity x (Frequency + Duration) x Intensity.  Proximity is the distance between you and another person and the exposure to that person over time. Frequency is the number of times you come in contact with a person. While duration is the length of time you spend with the person. Intensity refers to a person's ability to satisfy your psychological or physical needs through the use of verbal and nonverbal behaviors. 

Relationship Self-Evaluation

You can evaluate your current relationships or better manage future ones by thinking about them using this model.  For example, if you thoroughly enjoy laughing with your college roommate yet only see her every four years, you may decide to meet up more frequently to maintain a stronger bond.  You may also notice that the spark you once enjoyed in your romantic relationship has grown dim, giving you some power to do something about it, such as replacing TV watching with more satisfying cuddling or conversation.  Evaluating how frequently you see a person, how much you spend time together and how satisfied you feel can give you the power to strengthen these bonds or intentionally dissolve them.  Considering the interactions of the four elements (proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity) gives you more clarity so you can improve your relationships. 

New Relationships 

While you always have the option of rekindling relationships that you had before the pandemic, you always have the option to form new ones.  The good news is that you are surrounded by people with the same needs.  You live in a densely populated area with world class restaurants, music venues, theater, museums, and institutions of higher education.  You don’t have to go very far to find someone who shares your interests or passions.  Interesting people are everywhere, just often hidden by the four walls of their house/apartment and the shell of their vehicle.  With Zoom and a variety of places to meet up, more options to connect exist today than ever before.  

Maybe your new friend is a part of your carpool or sits next to you at your kids’ sporting events.  The easy conversation you have with a neighbor walking the dog may turn into opportunities for coffee or a glass of wine in person.  Common interests like raising kids, movies, and travel can provide the conversational currency needed to begin a satisfying friendship.  Not to mention it also models for your kids the importance of relationships and remaining connected to the community outside of the home.   

The Power of Intentionality

The key to forming deeper connections with people is intentionality. Make a list of people that you admire, share your interests, or who you see on a fairly regular basis.  Make it your goal to reach out to someone on your list and schedule a time to meet up.  If conversation doesn’t come easily for you, just remain curious about the other person asking questions ranging from their spring break plans, what they do for fun, or where they grew up.  People typically love to talk about themselves so keeping them talking takes the pressure off of you!  Newer relationships may feel awkward at first but can become incredibly rewarding with the potential of developing into a lasting friendship. Satisfying relationships  just require a little intentionality and follow through on your part.  

Here are some ideas to get you more connected today:

• Invite a friend to coffee or lunch and meet every few weeks or whatever rhythm works for you

• Organize an in-person or virtual game night 

• Take a yoga class with a couple of friends

• Start a new tradition such as taking a ski trip with your adventure buddies  

• Join a book club either in-person or online

• Schedule regular Zoom meetups with friends and family who are difficult to see in person due to geography or busy schedules

• Look for volunteer opportunities and invite friends to join you on a regular basis

If you find relationships challenging due to being hurt in the past or not feeling comfortable in your own skin, you may benefit from group psychotherapy.  Heritage has groups forming for adults and teens alike, providing opportunities to develop the art of deeper connections in a supportive and facilitated process.

Loneliness may be the lingering cough left behind from COVID but doesn’t have to continue indefinitely.  Evaluating the quality of your relationships and being intentional about improving them will most certainly pay off over time.  You may be a text or phone call away from enjoying more connection and the emotional and physical benefits that go along with it.  Now is a good time to make that change you know will make 2023 a great year. 

By: Chris R. Mazzarella, PsyD 

Director of Heritage Center for Child & Family Resilience